National-Park Safety Rules for Millennials - The New Yorker

Millennials love visiting our nation’s public land, because we literally cannot afford to go on vacation anywhere else. However, we hate to follow safety rules, because we have no regard for our own lives. This is partly due to the fact that we will never die (science tells us that if you are younger than thirty you will actually never die, ever) and partly due to the fact that we have no desire to see the future, because it will be hell (climate change; imminent recession; many, many more Marvel movies).

But, even though as a millennial I am extremely at peace with my (scientifically impossible) death, I do still think there is value in young people following our national parks’ safety rules. Here’s why.

Rule No. 1: Never Hike Alone

If you hike alone, there will be no one to take the full-body Instagrams that your perv followers demand. Sure, hiking with a buddy makes it more likely that you’ll get help in the event of an accident. But, more importantly, it means that you’ll have someone to take a photo of you perched sexily on a fragile rock formation. And, as we all know, if you only post selfies, everyone will infer that you are doomed to be forever alone, inherently unlovable, and NOT HOT.

Rule No. 2: Pay Attention to Weather Reports

Some people run marathons. Some people are paleo. Personally, I feel superior to others by being the only person who has an umbrella when it’s raining because I am the only one who checked the weather report.

Rule No. 3: Never Turn Your Back on the Ocean

To quote the late, great Rip Torn, “Never turn your back on the ocean.” The ocean is very unpredictable. It only takes one second of facing away from the ocean to take a selfie for a wave to hit your entire ass.

Rule No. 4: Practice Tick Prevention

It is not lame—and in fact it is cool—to tuck your pants into your socks. I know this because I have seen approximately four hundred thousand photos of Shia LaBeouf doing it.

Rule No. 5: Check the Tide Schedule

Listen, everyone already has the CoStar app. Everyone even has that moon app that just tells you how full the moon is and does literally nothing else. The new cutting-edge witchy app to get to prove that you are in touch with the movements of celestial bodies is a tide-schedule app. Think about it: tides are like astrology, but for water.

Rule No. 6: Know Your Limits

Huffing and puffing up a trail that’s too hard for you is no fun. What is fun is running up a trail perfectly suited to your fitness level while yelling, “This is normal for me because I live in a New York City walk-up!”

Rule No. 7: Talk to a Ranger Before You Set Off

Rangers are outside all day, meaning they are tan and fit. Many are even six feet seven. Before heading out on a hike, talk to a ranger and let him know your planned route, what time you expect to be back, that you have no evening plans, and that you are camping in close proximity to his work and, presumably, home. Give him your phone number.

Rule No. 8: Put Away Your Phone

More and more people are dying because they are looking at their phones while hiking or doing dangerous things to get the perfect selfie. But how about, instead of dying, you just put your phone away for a couple hours? Because you know what’s better than the perfect selfie? Writing the perfect sanctimonious article about how you don’t need to take selfies to enjoy nature.